I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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