if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
