Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
