Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
