why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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