My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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