Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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