apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
So vagazzling was a success
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
