Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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