My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
