you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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