I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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