i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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