Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
