i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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