Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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