so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
