The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
