After last night, I could never be a politician.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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