you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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