I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
