New invention idea: vibrating tampons
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
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