Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize