You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
