she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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