every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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