i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
