Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
