I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
