just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
