I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
