My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
