You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
