I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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