if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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