I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
