No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
