I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
