Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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