billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
