I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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