if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
