Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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