she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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