So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
