Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
