She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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