Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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