no, he came in my armpit
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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