she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
