i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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