The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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