Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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