Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize