my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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