Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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