I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
