Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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