my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Banned from zoo.
Again?
this just has baby written all over it
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
