so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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