I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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