the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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