Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize